If you have used Twitter for very long, you surely know the type. It is the popular Twitter user like that jerk in high school all the kids wanted to be like but nobody could really say for sure just why. Fortunately for you, I have taken it upon myself to tell you how to become popular on Twitter without actually being useful. This is that secret recipe all the cool and popular people on Twitter did not want you to know about, but I am telling you. Let the death threats begin.

Now Let’s Make You One of the Popular People on Twitter

Follow along, because you don’t want to do this wrong. If you tweet the wrong thing, people will hate you. They will rip you up and make you wish you left your iPhone on the night stand and never downloaded that fancy-schmancy Twitter application. They may even unfollow you, and the “unfollow” on Twitter is worse than a bad fart on an airplane.

If you follow this list without deviation, you are sure to become massively popular. Just remember that if anybody says “I hate you and hope you die a miserable death” or “You deserve a really bad case of herpes” … those people are just jealous because they will probably never be as popular as you. Just as long as they don’t “unfollow” you … that is when you know it has gone beyond jealousy and they may actually hate you.

Here is the secret list. It is not an all-inclusive list, but it will get you started. If you want the whole story, I guess you will just have to buy the book.

I have noticed, and perhaps you have as well, that in order to be one of the “most influential” Twitter users, it requires that you take your days and nights to tweet every last piece of social media “news” that you can get your hopeful little retweeting paws on. It really helps if it is about the latest geeky Twitter application by some big named company promising that it will be their huge social media savior and make them squillions of dollars by knowing this “secret” tidbit of wisdom you have to share with them. Even better … maybe being one [...]

Yes, I really do think that many Twitter users are about as intelligent as the rocks that line the bottom of a fish aquarium. Do I think I am better than them? Oh, if I have to go into that, I will just piss you off and show what an arrogant, annoying, and “better-than-you” person I really am. If you really want the truth, I may have to write another book just to explain how much smarter and better I really am. Hmm? I think I will get to work on that one right away, in fact. This is not [...]

Twitter Fame can come from tweeting frantically, as if your butt is on fire and Twitter will bring you a bucket of water to put it out. If you have not already learned this tactic, I will explain it. According to many estimates, there is a very small percentage of “power users” who send the majority of all updates on Twitter. How extreme is it? As a Harvard Business study pointed out, 10 percent of Twitter users account for 90 percent of Twitter updates.
Allow me to shock you for a moment with an observation.
Twitter Politics, Pandering, and Popularity
Some of the [...]

“Twitter can you hear me?” This is a question that many Twitter users are asking. At first, I was concerned that it was just me. Maybe people just didn’t hear me … maybe I didn’t bathe enough and stunk up the place. That would have been a great scenario for Twitter, but I have found without doubt that this is not limited to me, and that it is a widespread issue. There are some specific reasons for this, and I want to share my thoughts and I want to hear yours. I hope that we can get this all sorted [...]

What is the value of a Twitter follower to you? Is it going to make you the star of your high school football team? Will it make you prettier so you have a better shot in the cheerleader tryouts? Will you use that incredible popularity to turn it all into millions of dollars? What is it, really, that makes Twitter users so fascinated by gaining followers?
Why Do You Seek Twitter Followers?
It seems that having enough followers to fill a stadium provides some great sense of value, but unless you know what it is, or why you try so hard at [...]

Do you really think that sending a virtual wall of Twitter usernames at everybody you know is going to  be read? This may help you to realize a bit of what you may not have known about the Twitter hashtag #FollowFriday. First, you should know that retweeted FollowFriday endorsements do not count, but if you don’t know what I mean by that, you should read the rest of this before you send a single FollowFriday tweet.
Where FollowFriday Began
FollowFriday began as an idea for endorsing other Twitter users who provide value to your network. Here is the blog post showing where [...]

This is not a review of Dancing with the Stars, and I have already told Ashton Kutcher (@aplusk) that I dance like a goon.
If you are not already familiar with this blog, it may help to know that I wrote an article recently that criticized the highly publicized race between Ashton Kutcher (@aplusk) and CNN (@CNNBrk) to reach one million followers on Twitter. I look at this today and realize that nearly anybody could do that if they put the resource into the campaign that each of these giants did. There is even a billboard in my home town of [...]

I want to start by saying that from most I have seen and heard of Oprah (@oprah), she is an absolute doll. I love the heartfelt message that she represents to the world, and I hold her in very high regard. She has clearly surrounded herself with an aura of absolute attraction. I believe that she truly is the beautiful person she presents herself to be.
The Burning Question: Will Oprah Ruin Twitter?
Obviously, Oprah would not, and could not ruin Twitter. However, the power of her influence could have damaging effects on the fledgling community. I recently questioned the responsiveness of [...]

Much of America heard about the popularity competition between Ashton Kutcher and CNN. If you did not hear about it, it is pretty easy to find on Twitter.
Social Media Ignorance and Arrogance
How could this happen that such arrogance and ignorance has become the definition of mass media? Well, it has not, and I consider Ashton Kutcher an utter failure in this respect. I watched the ustream Webcast of Ashton Kutcher (@aplusk) talking about how he was changing media forever. It was fascinating, but not in a good way. It was more like the kind of fascination that gives me big [...]