If you have used Twitter for very long, you surely know the type. It is the popular Twitter user like that jerk in high school all the kids wanted to be like but nobody could really say for sure just why. Fortunately for you, I have taken it upon myself to tell you how to become popular on Twitter without actually being useful. This is that secret recipe all the cool and popular people on Twitter did not want you to know about, but I am telling you. Let the death threats begin.

Now Let’s Make You One of the Popular People on Twitter

Follow along, because you don’t want to do this wrong. If you tweet the wrong thing, people will hate you. They will rip you up and make you wish you left your iPhone on the night stand and never downloaded that fancy-schmancy Twitter application. They may even unfollow you, and the “unfollow” on Twitter is worse than a bad fart on an airplane.

If you follow this list without deviation, you are sure to become massively popular. Just remember that if anybody says “I hate you and hope you die a miserable death” or “You deserve a really bad case of herpes” … those people are just jealous because they will probably never be as popular as you. Just as long as they don’t “unfollow” you … that is when you know it has gone beyond jealousy and they may actually hate you.

Here is the secret list. It is not an all-inclusive list, but it will get you started. If you want the whole story, I guess you will just have to buy the book.

Yes, I really do think that many Twitter users are about as intelligent as the rocks that line the bottom of a fish aquarium. Do I think I am better than them? Oh, if I have to go into that, I will just piss you off and show what an arrogant, annoying, and “better-than-you” person I really am. If you really want the truth, I may have to write another book just to explain how much smarter and better I really am. Hmm? I think I will get to work on that one right away, in fact. This is not [...]

“Twitter can you hear me?” This is a question that many Twitter users are asking. At first, I was concerned that it was just me. Maybe people just didn’t hear me … maybe I didn’t bathe enough and stunk up the place. That would have been a great scenario for Twitter, but I have found without doubt that this is not limited to me, and that it is a widespread issue. There are some specific reasons for this, and I want to share my thoughts and I want to hear yours. I hope that we can get this all sorted [...]

Have you ever apologized for something that you have not yet done? That is what I am doing here, but at the same time, Twitter may thank me for it later.
I have tried to make it pretty clear to my readers that I recently wrote a book titled “Twitter for Business: Twitter for Friends”. The book is now ready for orders, and I do not plan to let anybody forget it.
So why am I apologizing?

I wrote a really useful book to help new and experienced Twitter users alike, so that should be a good thing, right? I guess you could say that [...]

Do you have a Twitter success story, or do you know somebody who does? If the answer is yes, I want to hear about it.
If you have heard something that gave you a smile, made you cry, or just made you think about why you use Twitter, you are not alone. Every day we see “tweets” that reinforce our belief in people and prove that we are not alone. It may be a story of a restauranteur who was able to bring more smiles with their culinary delights, or the person who found a job and saved their home and [...]

I really did not plan to write a new blog post tonight, but this came to me so profoundly that I could not avoid it. I realized a topic that has really bothered me for a while, but I just never came out with it. Well, here it is … love it or hate it.
If you tweet, retweet, blog, Facebook, YouTube, Digg, Stumble, or talk nicely about people because you are seeking favors, just stop!
I normally try to reciprocate kindness when it is due, as we all should. However, I must question where to draw the line. What I mean [...]

What is the value of a Twitter follower to you? Is it going to make you the star of your high school football team? Will it make you prettier so you have a better shot in the cheerleader tryouts? Will you use that incredible popularity to turn it all into millions of dollars? What is it, really, that makes Twitter users so fascinated by gaining followers?
Why Do You Seek Twitter Followers?
It seems that having enough followers to fill a stadium provides some great sense of value, but unless you know what it is, or why you try so hard at [...]

I visited with Loic Le Meur today about Seesmic Desktop while preparing for the release of my new book, “Twitter for Business: Twitter for Friends”. Loic answers questions about the future of Seesmic Desktop including the list as follows:

How soon do you expect to release the next Seesmic Desktop update, and what additional features do you plan to implement?
Is Twhirl a relic, or will you continue to improve it and release updates?
Have you considered adding column filters in Seesmic Desktop?
How is API resource management handled in seesmic Desktop?
Have you considered an option for opening profiles directly to a browser?
It seems [...]

In great social media fashion, we all use Twitter in our own unique way. Use of Twitter often includes the use of many Twitter-related web applications. This means applications that are Web-based, and that we use to manage functions of our Twitter use. There are many great tools for finding people with common interests, finding people based on geography, scoring users’ perceived usefulness, arranging tweetups, viewing and sending tweets, and more. In many cases, we are blessed by brilliant visionaries who saw a need and got to work to provide a new tool to help us.
Help Create a List of Twitter [...]

I have seen many reports of application usage with Twitter, but since I will be releasing a new book on the topic of Twitter very soon (“Twitter for Business: Twitter for Friends“), I am seeking some data of my own. Many reports show massive use of the Twitter Website, with TweetDeck coming in second. I have a suspicion that my figures may vary simply for the fact that many users I tweet with tend to be very active and engaged users of Twitter. So let’s find out. Please take this very simple poll to answer what you use the most [...]