If you are not going to eat that Digg fame, may I have a bite?

I was feeling a bit down about Twitter yesterday after remembering those days when Twitter was the next big Digg.com-like traffic-generating left-coast geek craze. If you were there, you would know it as the days when everybody who Kevin Rose (of Digg.com) had worked so hard to encourage to get their moment of Digg fame had become Twitter-stunned. It was back when anybody who had been kicked off Digg.com professed that tweets were the new diggs, and it was time to adapt to the new rules.

What The Heck is Digg?

For my readers unfamiliar with Digg, I will explain it in simple terms. Digg.com is a massively important … no, wait … monumental piece of Internet marketing history. It is a largely bullshitopotomus platform for zit-faced Star Wars fans to gain importance by stroking each other’s ego. The primary demographic are 17 year olds pretending to be 30, and 45 year olds still wearing Scooby Doo pajamas. Digg users can be largely summed up as semi-adult with $200 per hour talent getting paid $13 per hour to submit “diggable” stuff without looking like a “business digger”. They will carefully digg a squillion things per day while they sit in their mother’s basement passing time until she kicks them out on the street to get a real job and stop playing on that damn computer.

If you have used Twitter for very long, you surely know the type. It is the popular Twitter user like that jerk in high school all the kids wanted to be like but nobody could really say for sure just why. Fortunately for you, I have taken it upon myself to tell you how to become popular on Twitter without actually being useful. This is that secret recipe all the cool and popular people on Twitter did not want you to know about, but I am telling you. Let the death threats begin.

Now Let’s Make You One of the Popular People on Twitter

Follow along, because you don’t want to do this wrong. If you tweet the wrong thing, people will hate you. They will rip you up and make you wish you left your iPhone on the night stand and never downloaded that fancy-schmancy Twitter application. They may even unfollow you, and the “unfollow” on Twitter is worse than a bad fart on an airplane.

If you follow this list without deviation, you are sure to become massively popular. Just remember that if anybody says “I hate you and hope you die a miserable death” or “You deserve a really bad case of herpes” … those people are just jealous because they will probably never be as popular as you. Just as long as they don’t “unfollow” you … that is when you know it has gone beyond jealousy and they may actually hate you.

Here is the secret list. It is not an all-inclusive list, but it will get you started. If you want the whole story, I guess you will just have to buy the book.

I decided to have some fun and produce this video parody of “Johnny Come Lately” style Internet marketing in conjunction with my new book launch on Monday. It shows various wrong ways to do things, and then makes a statement about building relationships and the importance of growing a social network based on friendships and trust. If you will take the time to watch this video and get to the core of the message, I hope that you will appreciate it enough to help me spread the word.
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