The Biggest Blog Failure Ever

Try Thinking Outside of The Box
Try Thinking Outside of The Box


You may be thinking I am going to write about some huge blog scandal that embarrassed a CEO, relieved somebody of their U.S. Senate seat, or made somebody in Hollywood look like a complete loser in some way. Those stories are abundant, and even quite popular, but they bore me. I’ll save that for the day when I crash my head into a speeding train and decide that there is value in luring brainless zombies to read my blog.

For the time being, I still plan to write for you business brainiacs who care more about building a business than the latest juicy gossip or fad-of-the-day.

Today, I want to discuss an even far more punishing type of blog failure that comes with either having a blog without a strategy, or not having a blog at all. First, for anybody muttering some nonsense like “Pffftt … Blogs, schmogs … who needs ’em?” you may be wise to read “10 Really Good Reasons to Blog“. In any case, just hold your seat and pay attention for some eye-opening considerations.

Maybe you think a blog is just for making an online diary or to directly promote something, but take a breath and give me your attention. I want to start by pointing out some different types of blogs and their respective social media strategy.

Types of Blogs and Blog Strategies

There are obviously many different types of blogs, and each has its own strategy. I cannot list them all here, but I want to give you examples. Some of them are just for the purpose of bringing squillions of people to click on something brain-numbingly stupid to waste their time. Other blogs are designed to help brain-numbed people to believe that the Internet will give them “easy money”. We all love these blogs. I say “we all”, but the ridiculous numbers don’t lie. In fact, check this out … I brought some numbers!

Brain-Numbing (but Hilarious) Blogs

These are some very successful blogs, but many people do not even comprehend where the success is. They are ad-supported, and some sell shirts, hats, and other stuff, which is fine, but it takes a lot of visitors to make money this way. I mean a lot! If I had to guess their revenues, I would bet most of these earn their company a lot more money than your company blog. They are spending a lot more on personnel, too, because that is often what it takes when a strategy requires huge traffic numbers.

icanhascheezburger.com: As the home of “lolcats”, the “I Can Has Cheezburger” blog appeals to people’s love of cats, and it brings people back frequently to look for the latest funny stuff cats are doing. It is working like a charm, too. The website is ranked in the top 1,000 websites visited by Internet users in USA and in the top 3,000 in the world, according to alexa.com. The Internet collectively says “we love this stuff!”

failblog.org: “Fail Blog” fascinates readers around the world with the astonishing stupidity of people. General “run-of-the-mill” stupid people doing stupid things is a sure bet to help otherwise productive people to melt brain cells and burn hours. Fail Blog is ranked very similar to icanhascheezburger.com, and is a part of the same extensive network that reports more than 20 million website visitors per month. Cheezburger Network takes about 65 people and a lot of money to manage it well. If you don’t have that kind of manpower, creativity, and dollars, this strategy probably won’t work for you.

peopleofwalmart.com: How could this one possibly fail? “People of Wal Mart” lures people in by the nose and helps them stick it high in the air. Even a brief look at the People of Wal Mart website will show you how much better you are than those horrid looking creatures cruising the aisles of Wal Mart stores. This website is roughly in the top 2,000 most visited websites in USA and in the top 10,000 in the world. Yes, we really love to make fun of people … especially when we can see how clearly “better” we are than them.

It May Be Funny to You ... But Just Keep Laughing, Sucker. I Can Has Money!
It May Be Funny to You ... But Just Keep Laughing, Sucker. I Can Has Money!

Socially Numbing Blogs

People love to read about social media. Although there is no obvious correlation between wasting time reading everything you can about the latest iPhone apps or social media corporate buyouts, these blogs are taking it all the way to the bank! Don’t take this all wrong, they have some reasonably good information sometimes, but between the overt brand bias and repetitive drivel, I feel compelled to announce these with a bit of a snide slant. In any case, they are about as popular as bacon.

Bird Eating Tech Blogs
Bird Eating Tech Blogs

mashable.com: This social media giant is astonishing! Mashable is a time-sucking cult favorite of glassy-eyed people hoping to be on top of a social media wave. It commonly ranks in the top 200 most popular websites in the world. Why? Perhaps it is because the whole world wants to become a social media expert by reciting what they read at Mashable. As long as this is the case, it will be wildly popular. If you want to know which technology company is doing what, or which iPhone app is better, it is fine. Click on an advertisement while you are there … they love that!

techcrunch.com: Tech Crunch is kind of like Mashable with a bad toupee. They have a couple reasonably decent writers with good intentions of reporting on technology issues, but let’s be serious … will that make you an expert? I guess it is great if you want to know which online game company was just purchased for a billion dollars, or the new fads in cell phones. Will you really do more business if you read everything Tech Crunch reports? The answer is “probably not”, but if you want to sound impressive to a non-paying audience, you may want to retweet everything you see there, and expand upon it in your own blog. Just don’t plan on getting rich that way.

Socially Engaging Blogs

It is a very popular myth that “engagement” in a community is a key to online success. It has its high points, but it also has some pretty big downsides. Note that I did call it a myth.

Being engaging and engaged can provide amazing benefits, but without an appropriate strategy, engagement still fails miserably from a business standpoint. If you are just engaging an audience because you think it will bring success, think again. You can have a squillion buddies, but if it has no relevance to your business strategy, you can spend a lot of time being unproductive with those buddies. You may not like it, but that is the harsh truth. I can be your friend, and I may even help you to spread the word about those awesome knitting needles you are trying so hard to sell, but I only have so many friends interested in knitting.

Check Out These Fat Cat Bloggers
Check Out These Fat Cat Bloggers

I wrote about some engaging bloggers recently, and they provide great examples of reader engagement. These bloggers are hard-workers with a lot of talent, and they can show you some fine points. Here is the list of “9 Bloggers Who Teach the Value of a Strong Blog Community“. These blogs generally don’t need huge numbers of readers, and are often very targeted toward specific topics that attract specific readers. This is commonly a much more readily achievable type of blog strategy for individual bloggers or small companies.

Building relationships and engaging with others is very important in building an online success, but it is still not a magic success potion. Sorry pals … but somebody had to say it.

Commonalities of Failed Blogs

Back to the story line, I want to submit that there is not just one single thing that will make a blog successful. The biggest missing piece I see among unsuccessful blogs is a strategy. Popularity is great, but it takes a lot of work, and usually a lot of money to make a blog popular enough to succeed on traffic volume alone. Carefully curated content geared toward a popular topic is a way to become popular, but that can still fail if there is not a targeted and well-defined expected outcome.

I Can Has Blog Fail
I Can Has Blog Fail

I see it all the time that the first reaction of companies who don’t see great results from their blog is to give up. Instead of making the needed strategic adjustments, they assume it was a bad idea that just doesn’t work.

A truth that most people are slow to accept is that if the blog isn’t paying the bills, it is not the Internet public’s fault … it is their own. In the case of most blogs, and statistically, probably even yours, the results are a bit less than hoped for. So, do you give up, or do you shift gears?

It is easy to see common factors of successful blogs. Some of the blogs I mentioned have a sizable staff that work hard every day, others have a small staff of one. They are diverse, but each of them have some things in common. They each have a strategy, and they each understand that nothing comes from nothing. Doing “nothing” is popular, too, but that is probably not a good strategy for you.

A Competitive Strategy

A strategy that is extremely popular and competitive is to rub a genie’s lamp, keep your fingers crossed, knock on wood, pray like a nun in a whorehouse, and hope that your blog will somehow become a huge success without hard work. That is just dandy, but it is a pretty weak attempt that usually yields even weaker results.

So, in case you may wonder, what is my strategy? After all, it would be silly to write about it if I didn’t have one. I cannot tell you the whole thing, but I can at least give you enough to help get some thoughts flowing. Maybe you can pick up some ideas about your own strategy if I share some key points of my own.

Blogging is Competitive and Requires Strategy
Blogging is Competitive and Requires Strategy

Is it the ads? No, they barely pay for my coffee and cigarette bill. Is it the cozy notion of having a squillion friends who will send flowers when I die of starvation from blogging instead of working for a living? Well, not exactly, but you are certainly welcome to send donations to The Murnahan Memorial Fund, c/o Widow Murnahan, PO Box 4426, Topeka, KS, 66604. Widow Peggy thanks you in advance.

I take a mix of each of the above approaches, plus some other special considerations. I discovered, long ago, that when I write things that people find useful mixed with amusing (or at least not dreadfully boring), and I make good connections with people, they share it with others in their social circles. That helps me to achieve my objectives of tens of thousands of incoming website links to my work, high website traffic, and ability to rank extremely well in search engines for darn near anything I choose to target. This also helps me to establish credibility as an authority in my industry and provide irrefutable proof that I am very good at my job. This is a pretty sound strategy, overall, and it can apply to many other types of industries.

Each of these things help more people know to my work. Some of them will realize that this Murnahan character has uncommon talent and is quite good at creative marketing. A tiny few of my readers will realize they could do even better with additional professional help, and they contact me to develop their marketing strategy, and to execute the plan. That is how I get paid. That is my success. You didn’t actually think I do all of this because I’m bored, did you? Most bloggers don’t work so hard just because they have nothing to do.

The Worst Blog Failure in Summary

In concert with a previous article about reasons to blog, I also explained reasons blogs fail. I may be the only person that this amuses, but if you search Google for either of the terms I just linked to (reasons to blog and reasons blogs fail), you will find my work quite readily. That would never have happened if I didn’t write something about it, implement my strategy, and execute it better than others.

Doing nothing, or doing something without conviction is an easy path to giving up. The same holds true for anything from talking your first love out of their pants to talking your next customer out of their money.

How is your strategy coming along?

Photo Credits:
Cat in a big box by CelloPics via Flickr
Shaved Cat by Jamie (ajmexico) via Flickr
Cat on bird house by Josh (joshme17) via Flickr
Roslyn_cat by Joshin Yamada (ocean yamaha) via Flickr
Fail Cat by Tara Hunt (miss_rogue) via Flickr
Doomed by Robin Corps (robad0b) via Flickr

11 Humorous Answers to Dumb Google Searches

Google Search: How to Spell Duh
Google Search: How to Spell Duh

You may wonder how I will make this turn out to be both useful and humorous, but have a little faith, my Google searching friend. This is a list of my answers to some the dumbest Google searches I recently found in my server logs. Before I cut straight to my list of absurdities, allow me just a moment to set the stage.

I love SEO. There, I said it! I really do love my work, although it is usually much more fun to do it than to explain it to people. I am the first to suspect that, as I have often said, “When I Go to Hell, They Will Have Me Selling SEO“. Yes, fun to do it, but tortuous to explain it.

One of the reasons I love SEO so much is the great humor and insights to the human mind that it offers. This is also one of the reasons you may sometimes find me to be condescending and uppity, because there are truly some dumb people out there. Yes, saying that makes me a jerk, but actually more of a “PECKER” (Reference: “New SEO Acronym to Replace SEO by 2012“).

It takes all types to make a species, but wow … just “Wow!” I am a fan of people, but sometimes I have to feel just a little tinge of embarrassment for the floaters in our genetic pool.

The term “SEO”, for the uninitiated, is an acronym for “search engine optimization”, and as a practitioner in the field, it means that I can generally rank at the top of the list for damn near anything I choose. That is why companies pay me to provide this service for them. Yeah, can you believe it? Being ranked at the top of search results is actually worth paying for. That is totally crazy, I know!

Don’t hate me for it, because it comes with a touch of insanity, and a good dose of time. Like well over a decade of practice and studying SEO to know what works.

A good amount of this particular achievement comes down to having a squillion website links pointing to my blog from other websites, and having just a touch of Murnahan wit and charm. OK, you can call it “BS”, or whatever you like, but let’s face it, some websites will rank well in search engines, and some will never be indexed for popular searches. This one ranks particularly well, which comes with a great potential for humor.

I previously wrote about the downside of being obsessed with statistics and over-monitoring of user data, but it is also very important to know how people are finding a website. It tells us what we need to know, and how to make things even better. When you dig really deep, it can sometimes make hot coffee shoot uncontrollably from your nose as you laugh. This is especially the case when you try to picture what in the world those people were actually hoping to find in their online search.

NOTE: Although I am a huge proponent of targeting a market based on specific propensity of readers to become a customer or to refer business. Targeting is why I write things to attract specific searches from specific people. For example, I wrote about NASCAR start and park teams to reach the racing community, while offering good marketing thoughts.

With the good comes the bad, and sometimes it all goes wonky. If you rank well for the useful search terms, always it comes with unexpected absurdities. Although some of these may not seem so humorous on the surface, if you squint and look closely, there is something just a bit funny going on here.

Each of these searches have come in many variations of the search, and each is an actual verbatim quote taken from the top 5,000 searches in my website analytics within the past 30 days (typographical errors and all).

  • Dumb Google Search One: “icecream for sore bum

    OK, I hate to drop this little peach so early, but this one does set a certain tone. This is an actual search that has been repeated in many various forms, including some that were probably typed urgently like “what;s good for hemorrhoids” (Twitter, of course!). It leads users to an article that asks “Is Twitter Good for SEO?“. The article may actually be useful, but I didn’t write this one for bums. If your butt hurts, I really don’t have a lot for you, but dozens of people seem to think that ice cream may help.

  • Dumb Google Search Two: “can your testicals reconnect them selves

    I can forgive this fella for misspelling testicles, and for not realizing that “themselves” is actually just one word. This came from a Korean speaking individual in Burke, Virginia, USA. What I picture is a really frustrated little Korean guy sitting cross-legged at his computer screaming at his lover and murmuring “You betteh be right woman, oh I keow you!

    I actually took a screen capture of this one when it happened. My guess is that he did not want to call 9-1-1, just in case he actually ended up killing somebody. I hope that poor guy is alright! I also hope he does not come for my testicles for wasting his precious moment with my article titled “SEO, Social Media, and Marketing Balls“. In my defense, I did not use the word “testicles” in the article, even once, and there was no medical advice.

  • Dumb Google Search Three: “best hookers

    I suppose I kind of asked for this one when I titled an article “Hookers Write the Best Blogs“. What I didn’t realize at the time was just how many people would be performing Google image searches for pictures of hookers. I searched it one time, just to see what they were seeing. A few transsexual hookers and other creepy images later, I washed my eyes out with Listerine and vowed to never do that again!

  • Dumb Google Search Four: “buy termites online

    Who knew that termites were so in-demand? I see a lot of variations for the query of where to buy termites. Although I am sure a number of these are people seeking to study termites in their laboratory, it makes me wonder how many angry ex-husbands are dumping these voracious little monsters around the foundations of their former homes. For those looking for termites, I offer this article titled “Things You Cannot Sell Online“. Termites are not one of those things, and it is highly unlikely that what you sell is on the list, too!

  • Dumb Google Search Five: “blog trolls

    I wonder what they want with a blog troll. Yeah, I am sure that some people are just looking for a picture of a blog troll, but nobody I know has actually ever seen one. They sneak around in the shadows of the Internet. Here is what I had to say about them: A Few Words About Blog Trolls and Lurkers.

  • Dumb Google Search Six: “cheap sutures

    This one is really dumb for a couple reasons. Sutures are those things they use to stitch people up after surgery. They generally come at an extremely high cost to we consumers. I guess maybe there is not enough markup in the medical field, so they have to find their sutures cheap so they can earn an extra four dollars on a $40,000 surgery.

    The other reason this one cracks me up is that I was once contracted to place a client at the top of searches for cheap sutures. They still owe me many tens of thousands of dollars, but then, that is why I now hold five of the top ten search results for their company name, “Suture Express“, along with their coveted “cheap sutures” and the names of each of their executives. Oops! 😉

  • Dumb Google Search Seven: “what happens if i set up a facebook page and dont use it?

    This one should be simple. What else could a person logically expect would happen? Your computer will be infected with a virus that causes it to explode into a squillion pieces. I would not suggest this, especially with a laptop, but if it happens to you, just Google me when you need those testicles reconnected.

    In case you need to know more about Facebook or their computer-exploding virus, here is more information on the topic.

  • Dumb Google Search Eight: “SEO meta tags

    This one is actually a very popular search, and it blows my mind. I mean, seriously, just look at the source code on any one of my blog’s pages if you need a mental re-adjustment on the topic of SEO tips. I would like to give you a quote from the article these search patrons find:

    “As long as there are people who ask “do meta tags help with SEO” there will be plenty of people to con them out of their money.”

    I hope you are not searching for information about meta tags. If so, you really should stick around and read some more.

  • Dumb Google Search Nine: “what to do when your too good at your job

    My answer would perhaps be to quit the job and seek something better. Please just don’t make it a writing career until you at least learn the difference between your and you’re. Sure, maybe this is no big deal, but if “your too good at your job”, you’re probably going to need a better resume writer.

    This search landed the user on an article titled “Are You Too Good at Your Job?“, but what I think they really needed was to learn about Cousin Prolly in the article titled “Grammatical Reasons They’re Taking Their Business Over There

    Another idea for being too good at your job is to give it all up and become an SEO and social media expert. That seems to be mighty damn popular (in searches, too)!

  • Dumb Google Search Ten: “things people find

    My first thought here is “huh?” I am not so sure why, but a lot of searches just don’t make any sense to me at all. Apparently a limited few people are trying to find things people find. What they actually find is an article titled “Crazy Things People Search For” which addresses the ways people use search engines. It kind of goes well with this piece, so you may enjoy it.

  • Dumb Google Search Eleven: “how much does seo cost

    This one actually comes with a whole lot of related searches that are equally as ridiculous. Some of those are social media rates, seo hourly rate, how much does it cost for SEO, social media marketing cost, how much will a social media strategy cost, and literally thousands more.

    What these searchers are obviously completely terrified and confused about is that there is a vast difference from one SEO to another. Asking the cost without knowing what to expect or understanding that it is not about cost, but rather increased profit, is about as wasteful and dumb as any question ever asked.

    Have you seen the Grand Canyon? I would like to submit that the difference in good SEO and bad SEO makes that thing look like a crack in a sidewalk.

My Dumb Summary of Dumb Google Searches

I guess eleven is enough for now. I gave you a whole lot of truly useful links dispersed throughout this article. In fact, probably enough that if you sit there and read them all at once, it will make your bum hurt. So, please bookmark this page, get yourself some ice cream to sit in, come back, and take some time checking them out.

Also, please add your comments and tell me how you arrived here. If you are that poor Korean fella represented in this image, I’d love to know how things turned out.

If you are not that Korean guy, be sure you subscribe, because I’ve got a whole lot more where this came from!

NASCAR Start and Park Sponsorship is Marketing Absurdity

NASCAR Start and Park Disappointment
NASCAR Start and Park Disappointment


If you are a NASCAR fan, the term “start and park” is something you have probably heard a time or two. It has become a point of contention between many fans, teams, and NASCAR itself, but I am not here to judge. I am here to point out the challenges of marketing a NASCAR team, and particularly one that is frequently criticized for this practice.

I had a dinner meeting with the owner of a NASCAR race team last night. He is in the hunt for sponsorships, so it was right up my alley. I was very excited about the meeting, because beyond being a lifetime gearhead, I am also a highly trained driver, I have owned a race team, and I have sponsored multiple race teams. I could help him to get those sponsorships, and this is the kind of work I would take on for free. Well, except that I still have a family of five to support, and that it is hard to work for free when others wave their money in my face.

The meeting reminded me, once again, how very misinformed a lot of people are about marketing, social media, SEO, public relations, reputation management, and other online communications. You know, the kinds of communication that remove roadblocks and make something popular. It also reminded me why I once wrote an article titled “When I Go to Hell, They Will Have Me Selling SEO“. It really made it clear to me that, although I rank number one in search engines for “sell seo”, being good at online marketing and having the patience to explain it to people are two entirely different skill sets.

I have basically come to the conclusion that people will either “get it”, or they won’t. They either see the value in building a brand and giving people reasons to love their brand, or they don’t. They may even say that they want to understand this whole Internet thing beyond Twitter being for telling people what you had for lunch and Facebook being a place to swap stories with high school friends. The reality is that beyond all the education I try to give them, what they really need is confidence in their own business. So, let’s look at this NASCAR dilemma for a moment.

What makes NASCAR racing possible? I mean, in a single word, what is the thing that makes it happen? Is it the gasoline, the cars, the drivers, the adrenaline, the passion for the sport of auto racing? Sure, NASCAR needs those things, but what ultimately gets those cars around the race tracks?

A lot of people would say that it comes down to the money, and that is true, but that is still not the word I’m looking for. Sponsorship money is important. Without a sponsor to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars per race, per car, many teams change careers to become professional parking teams instead of racing teams.

How Big is NASCAR Big?

To understand the importance of marketing in NASCAR, I think you have to look at how much money is involved. If you want to be competitive in NASCAR Sprint Cup Series, don’t plan on starting a team unless you’ve got twenty million to invest (yes, $20,000,000). The car may just be a measly hundred thousand, but if you want it to go fast, you can expect to spend three to four million per season for your engine lease program. You will need about fifteen sets of four tires per week, and of course, some skilled people to put those tires on a car. You will need to guarantee your driver at least a few hundred thousand (actually a million and up is more like it) plus 30 percent of your take. You will need your driver and crew to have NASCAR licenses, so you will drop anywhere from fifty thousand to a quarter million, depending on how big your staff is. Each of those crew will probably need to eat, so you will need to pay them. If you want good ones, you will need to pay them very well, so plan on about $5,000,000 in personnel cost. You will need to buy a lot of race fuel, a garage, some trucks, and be ready to pay $100,000 fine from NASCAR and have your car taken away if your fender is one sixteenth of an inch too high. You get the idea, right? It is expensive.

That sponsorship money is big … really big! Teams are paid anywhere from a hundred thousand dollars, on up to $850,000 for a single race. So, what are those sponsors getting out of the deal? That is the big multi-million dollar question. Just consider how silly it sounds to drop a half million dollars for a few stickers on a car. Well, that actually would be really silly, but it is not just about those stickers. It takes a whole lot more than that if it is to make good business sense for the sponsors. After all, just imagine how many targeted ad impressions a half million dollars will buy using Google or Facebook ads, or hiring a guy like me to handle their online marketing.

Most business people who can afford a seven to eight digit multi-race contract can also do the math and realize that their brand will not get their money’s worth from those people watching from the stands. They will not get their money’s worth if they end up on television for a few laps. They get their money’s worth when the team takes on the responsibility of marketing that brand far beyond the race track. That means it is the sponsored team’s job to do what it takes to improve the sponsor’s return on investment in every possible way.

Teams that do a good job for their sponsors will go to great lengths to put the sponsors’ names in front of the public. Many teams will spend easily over $175,000 per year to tour the USA with a show car. You’ve seen them at car dealerships, grocery stores, state fairs, and other events. It costs a lot of money to haul those cars around and pay a staff to shake hands and answer questions. They will also do more than just keep their fingers crossed and rub a lamp while hoping to be interviewed by the media. They make it happen!

The amazing thing I found is that very few of them take the Internet seriously, or they are otherwise doing a poor job of it. They don’t realize the powerful connections available for media exposure, or the ways the Internet works into, or even supersedes the value of a flash-in-the-pan moment on television. At least that is the way it appears to me, and I’ve done a little checking on this.

The Tone of NASCAR on the Internet

You can find an amazing amount of chatter on the Internet about NASCAR, if you’re looking. It should not be surprising that a lot of it is centered around arguments. Arguments about NASCAR rule changes, who did what, who is the best driver, who caused that big crash, and other rather heated discussions.

You will generally find a lot fewer stories of the good things teams are doing. Bad news travels faster than good news. Without a fair dose of good news, it is really easy for a team to either disappear, or become disliked.

One of the things many NASCAR fans really dislike are the “start and park” race teams. What is a “start and park” team, you may ask? Those are the teams that go out to the race track each week for qualifying, but once they qualify to be in the big race, they run a minimal number of laps and then make an excuse to drop out of the race early.

Why would they do that “start and park” thing? It is really easy … they get paid for it … a lot! If the car qualifies for enough races, runs the minimal laps, and finishes the season with enough points to be in last place, they still get millions of dollars in purse money. The problem is that a whole lot of people hate this kind of “racing”, because there is very little competition in it. It is for the money, and not for the sport.

The driver will radio in to the crew chief to say the car is not working right. They may say it has a strange engine noise, or a vibration. Although the drivers usually want to strangle somebody for this, they will need a good excuse. Although the NASCAR organization tries to sweep this start and park phenomenon under the rug, they don’t like it. They say it is not a problem within their organization, but they also seem far more likely to discover reasons to fine teams like this an extra $25,000 from the crew chief and $25,000 from the owner for something silly like “unapproved door braces” (true story).

When a NASCAR Sprint Cup Series team gets tagged as a “start and park” team, it is really hard to change the fans perception of them. That makes it ever harder to receive a decent sponsor. After all, who wants to put their company name and a bunch of dollars on a non-racing team that fans disrespect? Although a lot of teams would never admit that this is a cause to reorganize their company and actually change their team name, it definitely happens.

This brings me back to that word I was looking for earlier, about what makes NASCAR all possible. That word is “fans”! Without fans, it is a whole lot harder to get sponsors, and harder to compete in full races. A problem that I found is that some people will get this backward and think they will get more fans after they find a good sponsor and have a chance to be competitive. The problem becomes a discussion of what came first, the chicken or the egg.

There is a really huge difference in the profit margins of teams that compete, and teams that park after twenty laps. In between the profitable comfort zone of parking the car early to avoid wear and tear, crashes, tires, fuel, and etcetera, and actually becoming a competitive race team, there is a big gap. The gap has risks involved. You can lose a whole lot of profit by staying in the race until the checkered flag is waved. If you make it across that gap, there are many, many, many millions of dollars up for grabs.

How Would You Seek a NASCAR Sponsorship?

If a team really wanted my corporate sponsorship, they will already be doing the things that build a fan base. Even if they don’t have the highest number of fans just yet, they had better show me that they are worthy and capable of building a loyal fan base. Don’t tell me that the team will be popular after I sponsor them … they need to be popular and do popular things to give me a reason. After all, it is their job to bring fans to my company, and not my company’s job to bring them fans.

If a team holds a lot of promise of building brand recognition for my corporate sponsorship dollars, we will work in synergy. That means we will both build their fan base by working together with a common strategy. If they are just trying to sell me on how good they could be, while their reputation is being castrated online, I am out the door!

Not so unlike becoming a rock and roll music legend, it would be ridiculous to ask for a recording contract based on musical talent alone. If you want the contract, you had better have some marketing talent and a fan base. Otherwise, it brings up the vitally important question: “If you are so talented, why don’t you have fans waiting in line to buy your music?”

NASCAR Thinking Summarized

Something struck me as both silly and sad when I parted ways with that NASCAR team owner last night. He said, “Well, Mark, you think about all of this and let me know how you can help us.”

Building and implementing a strategy to entice millions of dollars from sponsors is not a one-race fix, and it won’t come easy. I don’t need to think about it … I already wanted to help him. I suppose he wanted more specifics, but all I can offer for free is a taste. The strategy buffet requires an investment.

What I perhaps didn’t quite make clear enough is that “thinking about how I can help them” is approximately 80 percent of what I am paid to do. My job is not to lift heavy objects, or even to type on this keyboard. My job is to think about how I will help them, and make it happen. My job is to do the research, model the audience, define a creative strategy, and then see that plan through to perfection.

I could think about it a whole lot for free, but until he has enough faith in that race team to engage my services and put my thinking to good use, I am unable to help. I think the better parting question would be “How can I stop wasting the racing season and start getting sponsorships.”

If you are one of those race team owners or management wondering “How can I attract more sponsors for my NASCAR team?” I’ll give you a really simple tip. Pick up the phone and call me at *REDACTED DUE TO AGING WEBSITE*.

Does a Slick Sales Pitch Work in Social Media?

Cleaning Becomes Child's Play!
Cleaning Becomes Child's Play!

Have you ever seen one of those slick sales pitches that seem to suck the money right out of your pocket? You know, like those vacuum cleaner demonstrations where they show you how their vacuum will pick up nails and screws, and even lift a bowling ball with its superior suction.

These are the sort of clever sales tactics where they show that even after all those nails and screws, it will still pick up the dirt that your tired old machine leaves behind. The dirty “proof” is right there in front of you, and you don’t really want your home to be that filthy, do you?

With all the filth of nasty bacteria and dust mites, it is only a matter of time until your kids get asthma, and the doctor bills will cost you a squillion times what their vacuum cleaner will cost. So, really, they are not selling you a vacuum cleaner. They are saving your kids’ lives, and keeping you from going bankrupt with all the medical bills.

This is really not a laughing matter, and it all goes to prove why you need the Sucker Sucker 4000! The massive power of the Sucker Sucker 4000 will suck up dirt better than the competition, but at a fraction of the cost. When you add in those medical bills, it actually pays you to buy this machine!

Plus, every spouse is more amorous when their back is not hurting. Think about how many times your wife complains about hauling that big old heavy vacuum up and down the stairs. She won’t be complaining of a backache with the Sucker Sucker 4000! You like sex, don’t you?

Guess what! Your tired old vacuum will do most of that stuff, too! It is a sales pitch, and it is not designed to save your kids’ lives. It is designed to get the money out of your pocket and into theirs.

The Tragedy of Social Media Pitches

There is no disputing the value of good marketing. Marketing is where the sales come from. Marketing builds companies, and puts the money in their bank account.

Marketing has changed, and many companies struggle to adapt. They are trying so hard to hold onto yesterday’s values, that their marketing sucks as strong as that vacuum cleaner. They are still trying to sustain the lies and deception of old-school pitches, and excessively boastful statements, while the market passes them by. The smart ones figured out that they just needed to provide the best offerings they can, and be honest, and their fans will do the boasting for them.

People Got Smarter About the Sucking
People Got Smarter About the Sucking
People got smarter, and many cleverly devised mysteries were revealed. The semi-honest tactics that used to bring in customers may still work for a while, but not forever. It mostly works on the naive, who do not take the extra effort to shop around and pay attention. Those naive and impulsive people are wising up. The most naive of all were the same people who took the economic collapse extra hard. They were suckered far too often, and now they are mad! The ease of comparison shopping and more cautious spending makes the slick pitches less effective.

Just look at my industry for an example. How many people in the SEO (search engine optimization) industry do you think have built up sales with sleazy tactics? I see it all the time, and when customers find out the SEO is a fraud, and their tactics are more harmful than good, they change their company name and go into hiding like Osama bin Laden. It happens a lot more than you may think. It is like those traveling magazine salesmen. By the time you realize you never got the magazines you paid for, they are in another town, scamming another would-be reader.

What about social media marketing? Have you happened to notice the massive number of people who became “social media experts” in the last few years? How did that happen? They were not trained in marketing, or have decades of experience, but now they know a bunch of buzz words and how to suck up bowling balls with a vacuum cleaner.

It happened because people really want to have hope, and that is the big con job of the majority of social media marketing people. They sell ridiculous hopes that they will save companies from destruction by setting them up on Facebook and Twitter. As with other industries, people are figuring things out the hard way, and now they are starting to shop more carefully. Many of the “social media experts” are not so expert once you lift the curtain and turn on the lights.

A strong case can be made about the uneven distribution of intelligence among our population. Yes, there are a lot of very unintelligent people out there who will buy anything! You are different, and I know that, because you are here and reading my blog. You have a higher I.Q. than a potato, so you can surely see beyond the common trickery.

Some Truth About a Sales Pitch

The truth about a sales pitch is that they are designed to bring you to an emotional peak, and then close the sale while you are still excited about the product or service. The numbers may vary by industry, but there is generally less than one percent of people who will come back for the purchase if the sale is not closed immediately at the conclusion of the presentation.

That is the old school pitch, and it is very hard for companies to let go of that power, and to work hard enough to earn a customer’s business based on truth and trust.

Make Them Emotional, But Not Mad!
Make Them Emotional, But Not Mad!
Even in cases where the sale is not made right then, the buyer’s decision has often been made. They are either committed to the sale, or further consideration of the sale, or they are not. This goes for any pitch.

How this is applied to online marketing, and especially in social media marketing efforts, is that the buyer has a lot more control of the sales pitch. The process is more long-sighted, and it allows customers to make better decisions. It also requires companies to work harder to avoid “no” until they get the “yes” answer they wanted.

Along with a social media pitch, customers will Google your name, check for reviews, and see if your equivalent to the Sucker Sucker 4000 is what you claim that it is. If it really is, they may decide to watch you and think about your product or service for a while, until they are ready to buy. That scares the heck out of a lot of companies, because it is so foreign.

The good news about the sales that come from social media sources is that the customer is often far more aware of the offering, and will be a better customer because of their higher level of confidence.

If you are doing your job right, the customer will pay attention. They will bookmark your website, subscribe to your mailing list, and they will think about the wonderful day when they will own what you sell. Until that time, it is your job to make it easier for them to remember you, and how much better they will feel once they make their purchasing decision.

Once they are your customer, it is your duty to be sure they love your brand enough to tell their friends, and give you positive reviews across the Internet. When this happens, the sales cycle comes full-circle, and you are on a path to growth.

Some Options for Your Sales Pitch

The way I see it is that you have some options to consider. There are many degrees of how much you will incorporate these extremes, and finding your perfect balance is important.

Option One: You could just keep sucking up nails and looking for more people to present your pitch to. You can keep dismissing the non-buyers as idiots and child abusers for leaving their home so filthy by not buying your Sucker Sucker 4000.

Option Two: Another option is that you show more longevity, take a long-term approach, and help others to do the selling for you. You can give the real facts, keep the hype a bit less creepy, and cultivate a customer base who love you for your integrity and fine offerings.

Option One focuses on short-term drama and urgency, while Option Two focuses on long term success and building trust in a market segment. There really is a good balance between short-term and long-term objectives for any company.

Long-term social media objectives often come with more pain in the short-term, and short-term objectives often come with more pain in the long-term. Sometimes success is a matter of determining your tolerance to pain.

Oh, and by the way … did you Google me, check my background, and subscribe to my blog, yet? Come back any time to read some more. I’ll be here when you are ready to do business. 😉

Photo Credits:
Arco Wand Vacuum Cleaner by Marxchivist via Flickr
23.4.2009 by Miika Niemelä via Flickr
Hey Dorks, Who Is Your King Now??? by Rob Boudon via Flickr

Lighthouse Candles: A Flicker from Search Engine Obscurity

Candles Can Burn Much Brighter
Candles Can Burn Much Brighter


I know, you may be thinking to yourself, Lighthouse Candles, Mark, really?” Yes, it is true that I am generally likely to write about something more exciting and manly, and include things like guns, race cars, and motorcycles. That is mostly because I draw things right out of my real life, and my life is manly. Don’t make me prove it!

Not this time, my friend. Today, I am taking “SEO and Social Media Marketing Blog” to a whole new level of lace pink pantie-waist and foo-foo good smelling stuff. Just go with it, because if I have my way, Lighthouse Candles will be researching gunpowder and locker room scented candles by day’s end.

I realize that a lot of small companies are struggling with their marketing. It is very confusing to a lot of people. A common statement I hear is “We just can’t afford marketing.” The trouble with that statement is how stressful and difficult it is to keep paying all of those other expenses without marketing. Marketing is what sells products and services. It becomes a chicken and egg question of which comes first. Without marketing, there is not enough money to afford marketing. Something has to give, because unless a business does afford marketing, they can’t afford marketing. Without marketing, a company is better described as a costly passion than a business.

Lighthouse Candles SEO Marketing Example

Like so many other companies, Lighthouse Candles in Salt Lick, Kentucky has a strong case for marketing their business online. They produce a consumer product, and in order to earn profits, they must sell that product. In very familiar fashion, their market potential is huge, while their market reach is comparatively minuscule. In fact, I was challenged to find them at all.

Candles Blow Out Without Marketing
Candles Blow Out Without Marketing

Lighthouse Candles is representative of many small companies in some respects. So, I am using them as an example to pose some questions about business, and why some companies thrive, and others fail.

If the product is as good as they say, then why is their reach so small? Is it because people don’t like them? Sure, that happens with some companies, but it is more likely that the company is better at what they do than they are at marketing what they do. These people make and sell candles. They have done it for over a decade and a half, so let’s assume they have become pretty good at it. It is their specialty, and they are smart enough people to concentrate on that specialty. They make candles … but they are not a marketing company.

It is easy to wonder why they don’t take more care to market their company better, but I think it is really foreign and scary to many companies. I frequently find the cause of under-marketing to be fear of the unknown, apathy, finances, or a combination of these. It is seldom because they want to keep their revenue and profit low.

It is a big challenge to help companies like Lighthouse Candles to stop being afraid, start caring more about their business, and to grow their finances. When that challenge is overcome, it brings consistency to a company, and levels the ups and downs in business, and that takes knowledge!

Reducing Lighthouse Candles Challenges With Basic Education

It is hard to make good decisions based on bad information, or information that is hard to understand. When it comes to marketing, especially online, there is a lot of confusing information. I think it brings a lot of people to see marketing as risky, rather than to understand it as an investment. So let’s clear that confusion a bit and make some sense of this.

Many companies treat their marketing budget like risk capital, instead of a required operating cost. Marketing should not come from a slush fund, and it is not a luxury item. It is an essential component of business, and it is what makes companies more profitable.

I have to admit that there are levels of understanding of the Internet, and of marketing, that I tend to forget. I have been in my industry for many years, and it is a constant challenge to explain things in ways that both novice and experts will benefit from. If you will give me your time, I will try to deliver on both counts.

A friend told me, only yesterday, that some of my topics are “way over his head”. I really didn’t understand it, at first. I guess I often just assume that people in business know that being more visible, with the right message, to the right people, will increase sales, profits, and make a company more successful. Good marketing accomplishes those things, and the Internet is an extremely good tool.

I am sorry for the instances when I get too deep with my geekish chatter about SEO, customer modeling, propensity marketing, data analytics, and anything else that makes your eyelids heavy. The thing is, I really want to make this easy. I seriously, with every cell in my marketing brain, intend for people to benefit from the tips and advice I write about here on my blog.

Today, I want to break this down and make it easier than ever, while providing a good reminder for the experts. The SEO acronym stands for search engine optimization. There is a lot that goes into those three little letters, but let’s keep this simple.

Being listed at the top of the page when somebody searches the Internet is one big piece of that success. Being listed for something obscure is not good enough. Knowing what the people interested in buying your products or services are inclined to search for is another big part of the job. Then, after they search the Internet, find you, and click over to your website, you must give them something interesting, useful, and trustworthy enough to become your customer. Even when all of that is done, good SEO marketing includes giving them reasons to come back, and to tell their friends about their great experience.

OK, but this is about Lighthouse Candles, right? Yes, that is correct. Lighthouse Candles is a company I will use for my example. The example is intended to get you thinking about their missed potential, and how you would run things if it was your company.

Useful Observations About Lighthouse Candles

I have not spoken with Lighthouse Candles, so I am working with what I know of them from the Internet. I have the same information that any customer or potential business partner finding them online would have, if they looked for it. The first challenge was just finding them. It was seriously not easy, and their website was buried deeply from view.

Note that this is not picking on Lighthouse Candles. It is absolutely not one of my “Suture Express” jobs where I take over 50 percent of the top ten Google search results for their company name. It is more similar to the examples I have made with fearful Smart Slate retailers, apathetic online cigar stores, and lazy car dealers who fell asleep at the wheel and missed huge opportunities.

This is just observation, and it is an example that I find extremely common with companies that buy a website and are left wondering what to do with it. It is what often happens when a company realizes they need a website, but decide that the cheapest website price will be the best option for them. Then, their misinformed question of “How much does seo cost?” leads them to realize that marketing is much less about cost, and is better addressed by how much it pays them. It is called return on investment (or ROI for short), and it is based in mathematics and science, not unicorns and fuzzy bunnies.

How I came across Lighthouse Candles in the first place was when I saw a visitor to my blog that seemed to really pay attention and read what I have to teach about online marketing. Of course, every visit to any website is logged. Since I know what to do with my user data, I will often go through and take a look at people who are looking at me. I learn a lot from their actions, such as how they arrived here, what they do while they are here, how long they are on each page, and much more. I filter through and find users who visit certain pages, with a special interest toward anybody verging on an hour in a given week, and viewing 20 pages. These are the kind of website visitors I just want to reach out and hug. These are the kind of website visitors you should be reaching out to hug, too!

Fortunately, I discover a whole lot of users like this, which feels great, because it means I am doing my job well. Certain visitor actions will catch my attention when I don’t get a call or email. Here was a visitor who caught my eye.

Lighthouse Candles Wants to Learn
Lighthouse Candles Wants to Learn

Whenever I see this level of activity, and when specific pages are viewed for given amounts of time, there are a couple of likely conclusions as follows:

a.) Somebody is really trying to learn and implement suggestions I make.
b.) They are finding out what I know about SEO and social media marketing before they contact me to do the job.
c.) They have a rogue SEO next door who has hacked into their wireless network and is reading my blog.

There are just not a lot of other reasonable possibilities. I don’t know which is the case here just yet, but those are each distinct possibilities. So, let’s split a, b, and c into some likely conclusions.

First, I want to applaud Lighthouse Candles for being more proactive in their business and trying to improve their online market. I think it is a grand idea for them to try and reach out to capture a larger market share. There is a reason Yankee Candle has hundreds of thousands of website visitors per month. They sell candles, and although race cars and motorcycles are popular, people apparently really like candles.

So, we must ask the real questions about why Lighthouse Candles is not making a more aggressive play at that Yankee Candle market. Some companies will say they just don’t want to grow, out of principle. We can rule that out, because Lighthouse Candles is researching how to grow. They wouldn’t be on my blog otherwise. We could assume their budget is insufficient, but budgets must begin somewhere. That “somewhere” is what determines how well a company reaches its market growth objectives. That can mean reaching several different market potentials such as the market of investors, the market of retailers and distributors, and the market for potential acquisitions. There is a lot more possibility than just setting a goal of keeping the lights on.

The first reliable market to reach, in order to attract those other potential markets, is the consumer market. After all, who wants those candles in their stores, distribution networks, or investment portfolio, if the consumer doesn’t want them?

I know that it is a scary thing to believe in your own company, and to see things from a clearer view of potential. I have built successful businesses for over 20 years. It will age you faster than nearly anything else. However, success would not be so alluring if everybody could do it. That would cause the whole complex of “survival of the fittest” to come crashing down! Let’s not make it that scary. Instead, I will try to offer my possible answers and solutions to the a, b, and c speculations listed above.

Speculation is guesswork based on limited evidence. When that evidence is enhanced by experience, its feasibility increases. So this is based on calculated guesses, rather than just randomness. Breaking this into simple terms, in my estimation, the answers to those earlier possibilities are as follows:


Speculation About “a” (trying to learn and implement): This often happens when the company either does not have enough funds, or belief in their market potential to hire a professional. You can give them all the facts, case studies, and trustworthy reputation, but their confidence will not waiver. Their hopes to gather enough knowledge from reading blogs and do it themselves is what gives them confidence, because if they fail, it was probably just “fate” anyway.

Possible Solution to “a” In this instance, I would suggest an investor, or a bank loan, or pulling their teeth and selling their gold dental fillings. Just like any field, an experienced and accomplished professional will do a better job 100 percent of the time. No, not 90 percent … don’t even go there.

Example: Suture Express tried to cut their expenses and do things the cheap way. Search Google for them and look at the top ten search results to see how well that went.


Speculation About “b” (seeking the right option): This shows a diligent business person who understands that one of the greatest assets a company can have is the right people to do the jobs they are trained for. Many famously successful businesses have credited their success to discovering the right people, and knowing when to delegate what is not within their area of expertise.

Possible Solution to “b” Try driving a car like in this video. If you crash, it should help to emphasize the importance of training and the difference between a professional and somebody “testing the water”. If that doesn’t work, a frontal lobotomy may be in order, but I am not qualified to give medical advice.

Example: I don’t try to make candles, and I don’t do my kids’ dentistry either. I know when to hire outside professionals, and I am far more successful for it!


Speculation About “c” (rogue SEO): I suppose “c” is a good example of just how badly they need somebody on their side who understands the Internet from every angle.

Possible Solution to “c” Buy a better firewall, use better encryption, and change all passwords to something a little more challenging than “candles123”. Then, spend some more time at that computer to find out how easy it really is to hack a network.

Example: This is what a password looks like … o*D#kV$j2X&c7X

Some Painful Truth About Lighthouse Candles

In the case of Lighthouse Candles, there is such a huge opportunity, but why aren’t they doing things right? Why is their first marketing statement on their website a disclaimer. Yes, seriously, the first word after their company name is “DISCLAIMER”. Is it likely that a professional marketing consultant suggested that, or is it the work of a candle maker? Would Yankee Candle do that?

Why did they hire an inexperienced website developer who does not have good design or programming skill? They hired him for an ecommerce site, no less! I mean, surely he is a nice fella, but my guess is even stronger that he is cheap … very cheap! Not surprisingly, the one outside link to the Lighthouse Candles website I found was an accidental link placed on the privacy page of another company that their web developer built. If you are HTML literate, you will love this:

This Blank Link is Their Best Link!
This Blank Link is Their Best Link!

Why does Open Site Explorer only show three total links to the website? Yes, the total domain-level link count is three! Heck, even my little one man blog about boring marketing stuff shows 115,452 total subdomain-level links. Can you imagine what some great smelling candles could achieve with some effort?

Lighthouse Candles Subdomain-Level Links According to Open Site Explorer
Lighthouse Candles Subdomain-Level Links According to Open Site Explorer
aWebGuy.com Subdomain-Level Links According to Open Site Explorer
aWebGuy.com Subdomain-Level Links According to Open Site Explorer

In the real world, marketing, and all of those tedious related tasks like feasibility studies, customer modeling, strategy, planning, budgeting, psychographic analysis, making good connections, and all of those other eyelid droppers really do matter. They are what make up the biggest differences between Yankee and Lighthouse.

If you like candles, maybe you’ll like this song, too. Candles by Hey Monday. It is something to listen to while you add your comments.

Photo Credits:
Candle by oneilkwangwanh via Flickr
Candle Smoke by The Ewan via Flickr