You may wonder how I will make this turn out to be both useful and humorous, but have a little faith, my Google searching friend. This is a list of my answers to some the dumbest Google searches I recently found in my server logs.

I love SEO. There, I said it! I really do love my work, although I am the first to suspect that, as I have often said, “When I Go to Hell, They Will Have Me Selling SEO“. One of the reasons I love it so much is the great humor and insights to the human mind that it offers. This is also one of the reasons you may sometimes find me to be condescending and uppity, because there are truly some dumb people out there. It takes all types to make a species, but wow … just “Wow!”

If you are in a customer-facing job role, you have surely heard the common question of “how much does it cost?” Many of us hear it long before questions of value even come into consideration, and it seems especially common in SEO (search engine optimization).

I consider the “how much does it cost” shopping approach a very worthwhile reason to scream at somebody and demean them. I usually try to hold back that urge, but it is definitely scream-worthy. I have very often answered it by hanging up the phone. That is because I take it as an indication that the person asking will only see a dollar amount and not what it represents.

When it comes to SEO (search engine optimization), “how much does it cost” is absolutely the wrong question to open discussions. I will explain why the cost of SEO is far down the list of things which will matter, and whether you are on the buying side or selling side of SEO, this should be useful to you. I will also explain why the question of how much the SEO will cost is not only a moving target, but also ways to determine an appropriate cost.

People search for the craziest things online. Looking at your website statistics to see the searches people use to find your website can be an eye-opener. I discover thousands of bizarre and unexpected searches which lead people to my websites, and some of them quite useful. This can be quite entertaining, and also very beneficial for understanding people and the ways they search.

I constantly hear from people begging to be at the top of search engine results for specific terms. I often find that the things they want to rank for are about as well researched and thought out as balancing a three ton hippopotamus on a popsicle stick above your grandmother’s fine China collection. There are two problems with this: 1.) Somebody is going to get hurt. 2.) It does not work well, mathematically.

Most website owners do not have a clue about how to select the search terms to target, or even what people are already using to find their website. Even fewer know how to target useful search terms, or anything at all about the enormous value of lateral keywords which can often account for far more website traffic than the terms they desire. This is to your advantage, because now you do have a clue. You can thank me with your comments.

Do you check your statistics to see if your web traffic has moved up since you checked it an hour ago? Do you ever feel just a tinge of obsession over your Google Analytics or Clicky statistics? Do you wait impatiently for the next update of your score on Alexa, Compete, or Quantcast? Do you get frustrated when your PostRank score is a day behind and you just have to know if they actually picked up on all of your hard work?

Stop it! Just stop it!

I know how easy it is to feel better when you go and see how (or if) people are interacting with your website or your social media profiles. It is actually very important information to know. Knowing your statistics, and understanding what they mean is extremely valuable for effective online marketing. The problem arises when it is taken to a level where productivity is lost.