I have an uncommon analogy for you to consider today. I sometimes feel a bit like a mad scientist slinking into my secret laboratory, just a little bit like Dr. Frankenstein. It seems especially real on days when I sit at this computer for sixteen hours, nap for three hours, and then return with my crazy mad scientist hairdo and coffee breath. Creepy? Perhaps, but it is always fun to exclaim “It’s Alive!” after it all comes together just right.

I realize that some people are squeamish about biology, but don’t worry, we are just imagining this for a few minutes. Think of it like a science fiction movie scene.

Try to picture the Internet as a sci-fi creature with living tissue, nerves, and blood vessels growing every day. It is alive and growing, and it has defense mechanisms just like most organic life forms. If you introduce a foreign object, it will either accept it, or it will reject it.

You may wonder how I will make this turn out to be both useful and humorous, but have a little faith, my Google searching friend. This is a list of my answers to some the dumbest Google searches I recently found in my server logs.

I love SEO. There, I said it! I really do love my work, although I am the first to suspect that, as I have often said, “When I Go to Hell, They Will Have Me Selling SEO“. One of the reasons I love it so much is the great humor and insights to the human mind that it offers. This is also one of the reasons you may sometimes find me to be condescending and uppity, because there are truly some dumb people out there. It takes all types to make a species, but wow … just “Wow!”

I know, you may be thinking to yourself, “Lighthouse Candles, Mark, really?” Yes, it is true that I am generally likely to write about something more exciting and manly, and include things like guns, race cars, and motorcycles. That is mostly because I draw things right out of my real life, and my life is manly. Don’t make me prove it!

Not this time, my friend. Today, I am taking “SEO and Social Media Marketing Blog” to a whole new level of lace pink pantie-waist and foo-foo good smelling stuff. Just go with it, because if I have my way, Lighthouse Candles will be researching gunpowder and locker room scented candles by day’s end.

I find that a lot of people are curious about breaking down marketing services like social media and search engine optimization to an hourly rate. I know this, because a lot of people search the Internet for pricing information and find me.

Silly me, I don’t have a standard rate sheet, but I will tell you why. I don’t know how much it will cost to perform SEO or social media marketing until I know what a company wants and needs from the services.

I understand the concern of marketing cost. After all, the reason for a company to spend money on marketing is to achieve a higher profit. This means the cost of marketing will be a factor. However, it is too common that the only set of numbers a client will clearly understand is the outgoing money, while they ignore the more important numbers such as accurate projections, goals, and increased profit.

If you are marketing something online, give me a moment to show you how to screw it all up. Since I know a lot of people shudder at all the sacrifices associated with marketing done well, I want to show you an example of how badly it can go wrong if you succumb to being shortsighted and misinformed.

This exemplifies so much of what is wrong with today’s Internet, and why Google keeps splitting skulls on worthless website owners. It shows a downward spiral of desperation of a car dealer, and a trend that is so widely followed in other businesses that it relieves me of wondering why companies suffer from dwindling market share.

This really should open your eyes if you are trying to take the quick and easy road to your SEO (search engine optimization) and social media marketing. If this example does not show the pitfalls of shortcuts and the benefits of playing by the rules, nothing will. I know that you will probably not finish reading this, but then, that is exactly the problem … shortcuts are popular. I made an audio version, in case that will help.