If you have used Twitter for very long, you surely know the type. It is the popular Twitter user like that jerk in high school all the kids wanted to be like but nobody could really say for sure just why. Fortunately for you, I have taken it upon myself to tell you how to become popular on Twitter without actually being useful. This is that secret recipe all the cool and popular people on Twitter did not want you to know about, but I am telling you. Let the death threats begin.
Now Let’s Make You One of the Popular People on Twitter
Follow along, because you don’t want to do this wrong. If you tweet the wrong thing, people will hate you. They will rip you up and make you wish you left your iPhone on the night stand and never downloaded that fancy-schmancy Twitter application. They may even unfollow you, and the “unfollow” on Twitter is worse than a bad fart on an airplane.
If you follow this list without deviation, you are sure to become massively popular. Just remember that if anybody says “I hate you and hope you die a miserable death” or “You deserve a really bad case of herpes” … those people are just jealous because they will probably never be as popular as you. Just as long as they don’t “unfollow” you … that is when you know it has gone beyond jealousy and they may actually hate you.
Here is the secret list. It is not an all-inclusive list, but it will get you started. If you want the whole story, I guess you will just have to buy the book.
Become Popular on Twitter: Tip One
Tweet everything you ever see about breaking news. Those news sites like Google News, CNN, and etcetera, just don’t seem to have enough ways to reach people. If you put it on your Twitter, people will respect you more as an authority because you will always seem to know everything before anybody else.
Become Popular on Twitter: Tip Two
Tweet anything new about techie stuff. If it is about an iPhone, iPad, or anything else with a partially eaten apple on it … Tweet it! If you see it on Mashable.com or TechCrunch.com, tweet it twice … per hour. That stuff is hot, and any popular Twitter user knows it. If it includes people complaining about something techie, it is even better. People love to join into bitter battles over Google security vulnerabilities, Facebook privacy, Mac vs. PC and other juicy stuff like that.
Become Popular on Twitter: Tip Three
Tweet about a cause. It does not really matter if it is just another charity to feed starving kittens in the latest place with a natural disaster. Twitter it with passion (preferably with frequency and urgency) to show that you really are a person who cares. Those kittens are getting more hungry by the hour, after all.
Become Popular on Twitter: Tip Four
When in doubt, retweet it! People love people who retweet (repeat) things they say! Didn’t you hear about those starving kittens? You should pass that along, because it is a really important cause. Any extra funds raised will go to buy the latest iPhone for the kittens.
Become Popular on Twitter: Tip Five
Watch what is trending on Twitter. Trending means it is hot stuff that nobody else on Twitter knows about yet, and you should tweet it over and over … but only until something new is trending.
Become Popular on Twitter: Tip Six
Create a trend on Twitter. It is best to seek something from other networks, because Twitter has not heard about it just yet. Watch Google Trends, Digg, and Alexa’s “What’s Hot”. This stuff is practically un-twittered, and can make you look like a totally amazing Internet Einstein!
Become Popular on Twitter: Tip Seven
Get more Twitter followers. It is like a virus! If you get more Twitter followers, you will look more important and then more people will follow you which will make you look even more important … and all of the sudden you will be so popular it will blow your friends’ minds. Best of all, you don’t even have to ever actually be useful and do anything unique. Just be sure to retweet anything that says “#followfriday” in it.
Become Popular on Twitter: Tip Eight
Join one … no … ALL of those programs to get more Twitter followers. They will even send out automated messages to tell people the stuff you sell, and there is a good chance you will get rich with that!
Become Popular on Twitter: Tip Nine
Remember … It is all about the numbers! Marketing is just a numbers game. If you can put yourself in front of enough people, you can sell damn near anything. Trust, creativity, and talent do not matter if you can get enough spam out there. People say they hate spam, but the secret truth of Twitter experts is that those haters are just jealous of you for being more popular than them!
Summary of How To Become Popular on Twitter
If this does not make you more popular, just don’t blame me. If you use this list, you are the one trying to imitate instead of being an individual and doing something different. I can’t fix that. The best I can do is to offer some encouragement. Do something different and stop worrying about being popular.
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