There are spelling and grammar errors that can make you look astonishingly lazy, and then there are spelling and grammar errors which simply make you appear stupid. The lazy errors happen to the best of us. I have never read a book that did not have an error, somewhere, even after many rounds of professional editing. Hekc, you may even find an error here on my blog.
I cannot expect people to be perfect, but what I can do is have a whole lot of fun at their expense. Perhaps you do not feel strongly about these failures of education, but do you ever read something which indicates that you are shopping in the wrong place?
I encounter horrible spelling and grammar every day, and I often wonder how these perpetrators of illiteracy keep up their fight to grow a business. Below are some brain-failures I hope to one day see eradicated.
Your Prolly May Hate Me For This
I think the first time I saw “prolly” used in somebody’s marketing material, I wondered what other kind of seafood they had. A “prolly” is the deep sea cousin of a prawn, right? Otherwise, I am at a loss to understand how anybody could slaughter a word so horribly.
I later learned that they were probably referring to the probability of business failure for being so damn lazy. “Prolly” is not a word, but if it ever becomes a word, I imagine that it will probably be used to describe a deep sea crustacean.
You’re Not Using Your Head
“You’re” is a contraction that means “you are” and “your” is a second-person pronoun meaning something belonging to the subject, you. “Ur” is deep sea text messaging code that the prolly kids use to keep grown-ups from understanding what the heck they are saying.
If you try telling me “your going to love our stuff” you had better be giving it away, because I am not buying it. My what is going to love your stuff? My wife, my kids, my libido? If you say “your going to love our stuff” you need to add something to help me understand you better. Perhaps you meant “your prolly is going to love our stuff!”
If you use “ur”, I may boil you in a seafood gumbo. There is not even a “dumb camp” for people so dumb to try and pass off “u” or “ur” as words. That is, unless you’re a 14 year old prolly girl and want to disarm the boys by downplaying your intelligence.
The words “you’re” and “your” are not even close to the same thing, and they are pronounced differently as well. Maybe understanding the pronunciation will help you to remember the correct usage. “You’re” begins with the sound of the word “you” and since it is a contraction, it slurs in the word “are”. Try it out and begin with “you” and add “are” and keep slurring them together faster until it sounds right.
The pronunciation of “your” rhymes with lore, more, store, and whore. So if you think about using the word “your” try using it as follows: “Your store is creating more lore.” Now remember that if you are talking about somebody’s whore, you can use the word “your”, because it is something they posses. It is their whore, and it shows possession. On the other hand, if you say “You’re whore”, you just called them a whore, because you said “you are whore”. That makes it more personal and is more likely to start a fight than simply talking about the whore they possess. You might just as well talk bad about their prolly while you are tossing around the insults.
One more thing: “Youre” is another prolly word. Please refrain from using it unless you are deep in the ocean and related to prawns.
They’re Going to Take Their Money Over There
If you don’t get this one by the time I am done, you should be sent to swim with the prolly. Again with the damn contractions. I largely avoid contractions, in speech and in writing, but they are widely accepted in the twisted version of the Queen’s English that is used in my country.
“They’re” means “they are”, “their” means that they possess it, and “there” means somewhere else or the existence of something. Here is some practice for you to consider: There is a good chance they’re going to take their money over there if you screw these up. Now read this sentence again and think really hard.
“Their” is a personal pronoun. If you remember that lesson about “your whore”, just flip that around and now you are talking about their whore. If you get this wrong they’re probably going to take their money somewhere else … over there.
Your Till Will Ring Less ‘Til You Stop Abusing This
Note that I have edited this for clarification after receiving a comment (below) assuming I had a problem with using “till”, which is not the case. The problem is in trying to make a contraction of “until”. Think for just a moment about the word “until”. Until is just five letters long, but I see a lot of people who try to shorten it. If you want to shorten “until” consider how you may do so with the least absurdity. Would you add another letter to the word that did not previously exist and say “‘till“. That seems kind of useless, considering that you just removed one letter and added another letter plus one more character. In this case, maybe you mean the word till. Otherwise, “until” is still five characters long in this iteration ( ‘-t-i-l-l ), but it makes you look five times as stupid! I suppose you can get a down home feel by using “’til“, which would be the correct usage if there were an acceptable contracted version of until. On closer inspection you may notice that it is still only one character shorter.
A “till” is a place where money is stored, or something you do to the field before you plant corn to make your whiskey. Until you understand that “until” only has one letter “L”, and that till is not a contracted version of until, you may sound like you are drinking from a still. At least you will sound like a hillbilly for trying to make a contraction of the word until, in case that is what you are after.
The Alot Eats Prolly
I find a lot of people who like the “Alot”, but they abuse him. The Alot is a unique creature, and should not be taken for granted. I do not have a lot better way to describe the Alot than to introduce you to the creature in a blog article titled “The Alot is Better Than You at Everything“. Here is a snippet for you:
For example, when I read the sentence “I care about this alot,” this is what I imagine:
(see Hyperbole and a Half)
I have just one more thing to mention on the subject. Get your “‘s” (apostrophe s) and “s'” (apostrophe s’) right. If it needs an apostrophe or does not, you should learn the difference and also the correct placement. Otherwise, don’t blame me if your customer rides their alot over there to another store to buy their prolly.
What Makes You Want to Rant?
I could go on with rants about bad grammar until I am as blue as a prolly. What makes you want to rant? Perhaps it is people who correct your grammar? 😉
