So you are getting older, and you decided to let all of your Facebook friends, strangers, and stalkers know about it. You showed up in my Facebook birthday notifications, and I was faced with the recurring dilemma of whether to join the mob who was blasting your wall with flimsy and predictable wishes like “Happy Birthday!!!!!!111″ or to just ignore it so my other friends don’t get their little Facebookey feelings hurt because I blew off their birthday last week … while I was doing something more fun than they were.

I started to think of how to wish you a very personal happy birthday on Facebook, but then my creativity was just not there. When I sat down to start your birthday wish, it got a little too rhymey and cutesey with the luck, the duck, and the way I describe a person of your age. Besides, I noticed that your friends seem to be a lot more wholesome than you are. They would probably look at you totally differently if I whipped out one of your old birthday pics, like the one with the g-string incident and beer can pyramid.

Oh, Am I Late? I Didn’t Forget Your Birthday … I Skipped It!

I was never so good at remembering birthdays in my head. My mother is awesome at that, but it didn’t pass down to me in the genetics. She also uses up a bunch of paper by sending old fashioned birthday cards, yeah, mother is crazy, I know!

Thank goodness for technology. I was able to export my Facebook birthdays to my Google Calendar, so your birthday showed up in my home screen calendar widget on my Android phone. It is really cool that you can export Facebook birthdays, but it makes me even more of a jerk for ignoring all of those other birthdays.

The thing is, I could come up with about a squillion good excuses that I didn’t send you a birthday card, write something personal on your Facebook Wall, or at least click “Like” on somebody else’s meaningful birthday wish. The truth is that I just skipped it.

I really like you and all, but you share the same birthday as Prakeesh in India and Hal from Pennsylvania, and since I don’t actually know Prakeesh and Hal, I didn’t want to rock the boat by devoting my moment of birthday wishing to only you. You cannot really hate me for that, can you? I mean, I was just trying to be considerate of others’ feelings.

In order to try and make good on a losing dilemma, I decided to try and give you what you really wanted from your Facebook friends all along. So here it is … a cute kitten, a pound of bacon, a hunky guy, a hot chick, an adorable baby, and a birthday cake. If that is not enough, here is an extra bonus unicorn for you.

I would have sent you some kind of foofy and frilly junk from Farmville, but all I found on my plot of land was a bunch of withered corn and chicken corpses.

Whether you are happy because you are a year closer to legal drinking age (damn you for being so young), or upset because your adult diaper is now a regular part of your “birthday suit” (damn you for being so experienced), I hope this will make you happy, while appeasing all of those disgruntled Facebook friends I have ignored.

Did You Skip a Facebook Birthday, Too?

If you have a Facebook friend that you feel bad for neglecting, I welcome you to share this birthday wish with them, to explain your dilemma and make them smile again. You can even tag them in your comments below if you are feeling extra lousy about it.

Photo Credits:
Mario Cake by Mad Eliza’s Cakes and Confections, Topeka, Kansas
Basement Kitten on Bench by Lachlan Rogers via Flickr
This is NOT Real by Jason and Kehly via Flickr
Hot Chick by Joe Marinaro via Flickr